1
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,760
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

2
00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,200
LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!

3
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:40,360
Jonny!  Keep running!

4
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,040
Get off!  What?

5
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,480
Pissface!  Agh!  Oh! Oh!

6
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,840
I did it!  You weirdo.

7
00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,400
Running all the way.

8
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,720
Water!  Water, please?
Ugh! Please?

9
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,680
My champion!

10
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,560
Salt? You bloody arsehole!

11
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,720
It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!

12
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,640
Come in, Adam.

13
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,720
YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!

14
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,120
My little Bobble.

15
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,040
Running home to Mummy.

16
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,360
That was a killer.  Classic.

17
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,360
Ow!

18
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,480
Mum! Come through, sweetie.

19
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,120
Dead.

20
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,840
HE CHORTLES

21
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,760
Here you are, darling.

22
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,680
Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.

23
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,520
So brave? So disgusting!

24
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,120
SNIFFS
Oh, he stinks.

25
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,000
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?

26
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,560
You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!

27
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,120
KEYS
Oh, beef tonight.

28
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,480
Beef? Boom! Yes!

29
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:48,600


30
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:51,080
And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,

31
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,640
you know, the ones we've never met?

32
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,440
You thought wrong.
Very wrong.

33
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,480
Oh, it is Dad's birthday.

34
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,600
Where is the birthday boy...er,
man?

35
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,000
And what is this doing here?

36
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,120
Cos your not-mad father made me
take it all down.

37
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,000
Did he?  He's been such a
misery guts all day.

38
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,240
I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?

39
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,200
LAUGHS
Finally.

40
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,120
Wait! Just a minute.

41
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,720
There, Bobble.  Really?

42
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,800
Good boy.

43
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,400
Good dog.  Pissface!

44
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,880
Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS

45
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,120
Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday.

46
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,880
Balls!  Sorry?  What?  Balls!

47
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,800
Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you

48
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:29,680
a happy birthday?! See?

49
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,240
Why are you dressed like a berk?

50
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,120
You are in a good mood, aren't you?

51
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,600
Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.

52
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,600
Why were you running again?

53
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,320
Cos he's a tit.  Groin juice?
Don't you dare!

54
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,440
Don't you remember?
For his training.

55
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,240
The race, remember? Sunday?

56
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,800
What? Oh, yeah. The marathon.

57
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,800
It's not a marathon.  Really?

58
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,320
You're running a marathon, aren't
you?  Very good.

59
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,480
You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon.  Keep going.

60
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,320
You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?

61
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,960
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?

62
00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,880
It's a half marathon.  Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.

63
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,400
That's what I've been training for
a quarter marathon.

64
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,240
Quarter marathon? Does that even
exist?

65
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,800
I bet you couldn't run a quarter
marathon.

66
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,000
Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, 6.5 miles.

67
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,320
6.55 miles.

68
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,400
Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water.  Allow me.  Er, no thanks!

69
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,960
Boys, behave!

70
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,200
Pusface.

71
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,640
Did you make these?

72
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,880
Seriously, do you have to be
such a dick?

73
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,160
Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?

74
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,680
Um, no, that's just your face.

75
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,640
Sorry?  Groin juice?  Urgh!

76
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:33,920
No!  Adam!

77
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,440
JONNY HOWLS

78
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,440
It's actually 6.554 miles.

79
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,400
Oh!

80
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,440
So, we only got you a couple of
things,

81
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,880
cos you only asked for a
couple of things.

82
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,480
The world's most boring
couple of things.

83
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,160
Here.  Is this a present?

84
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,960
No, it's your arse.

85
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,760
Course it's a present!

86
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,720
No need to say thank you.

87
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,560
It's a battery tester.
Yes.

88
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,080
Well, say thank you.

89
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,640
In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.

90
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,440
You're going to test the battery
tester?  Obviously.

91
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,280
God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?

92
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,560
Pillock. Here! Have a pound!

93
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,320
Ow! God, Dad!  Martin!

94
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:18,880
LAUGHS
Nice shot, Dad.

95
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,120
TESTER BEEPS

96
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,080
It works.

97
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,960
You're welcome.

98
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960
PHONE RINGS

99
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,000
Oh, please stop calling me.

100
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,840
SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.

101
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:36,960
Ugh! Horrible Grandma.

102
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,000
Hello again, Cynthia.

103
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,240
It's Martin's birthday.

104
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,920
I know, Cynthia.

105
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,480
Martin's my only son.

106
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:48,000
Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.

107
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,440
We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?

108
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,560
She hung up. Again.  Good.
Nice one, Mum.

109
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,360
I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining

110
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,960
another of Dad's birthdays.

111
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,240
Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.

112
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,000
Huh?

113
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,360
Here, Mr Wonderful.

114
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,440
Is that my other present?

115
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,920
No, it's your other arse.

116
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,640
Drill bits.  You're welcome again.

117
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:19,480
Where are you going?

118
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,440
Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.

119
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,000
CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?

120
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,800
Maybe we could drill
into his head to find out.

121
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,320
DRILLING
Dad!  Right!

122
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,360
I'm not having any more of this
crap!

123
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,800
My drill!

124
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,120
Martin! It's your birthday!

125
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,120
Why are you being such a grumpy git
the whole time?

126
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,160
What are you talking about?
I'm serious.

127
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,520
What is going on?  What?

128
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,400
Nothing is going on.

129
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,440
TUTS

130
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:45,920
Dad?  Dad?

131
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,000
HE SIGHS
All right! God.

132
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,640
I'm not going into space.

133
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:55,400
I'm sorry?

134
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,920
I'm not going into bloody space!

135
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,680
Wha...?

136
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,000
You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?

137
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,280
Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!

138
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,520
Did you see my spaceship outside?

139
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,400
Er, have you been drinking?

140
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,520
Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?

141
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,080
I read an article.

142
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,520
Right.

143
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:16,840
Read it.

144
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,400
What? The whole article?

145
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,600
Oh, bleeding hell!

146
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,560
"Affordable space travel for all

147
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,320
"not expected until 2050, say
experts."

148
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:30,480
And?

149
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,760
2050.

150
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,040
And?  Well, I'll be dead
by then, won't I?

151
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,160
Will you?  Yes.

152
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:39,240
Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?

153
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,960
Prats. The computer system.

154
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,200
It's called the internet,
but do go on.

155
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,040
There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth

156
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,480
and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,

157
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,680
you know, die.

158
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,760
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?

159
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,320
I die on April 9th, 2048.

160
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,720
Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.

161
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,840
No way!  What?
You did the boys?

162
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,360
Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you!  Yeah!

163
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:05,840
You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...

164
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,760
...perish?  What?

165
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,680
How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?

166
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,560
Well, you last a couple of months
after me.

167
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,600
Oh, my God!  Incredible.
3rd of June, 2048.

168
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,880
Dad!  Martin! Right.

169
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,560
Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.

170
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,280
Thank you so much!

171
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,440
You're unbelievable!

172
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,280
Eh? Calm down, Jackie.

173
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,560
It's probably not the
exact exact date.

174
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,720
Just go away.  Although, it's
probably pretty close,

175
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,440
because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...

176
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,360
Right. Thank you again!

177
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:35,440
DOORBELL

178
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,080
SIGHS

179
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,320
If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...

180
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,640
I am so angry with you!

181
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:46,120
Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.

182
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,000
Please don't be her.

183
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,400
GROANS

184
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,680
Jackie?

185
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,440
Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you.

186
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,880
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.

187
00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,920
Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?

188
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:04,360
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,

189
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,440
didn't we, Milson?

190
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,920
Um, hello, Jim.

191
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,360
Happy birthday, Martin.

192
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,800
Balls!  Ugh!

193
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,040
Um, Jim, could I have your date of
birth, please?

194
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,520
OTHERS: Do not tell him!
Don't tell him that!

195
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,160
Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath

196
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,200
for an hour, hmm?
Jackie!

197
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,600
Bye-bye, Martin.

198
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,720
But, Jackie!

199
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,760
Anything else, Jim?  Yes, um,

200
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:27,240
I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks

201
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,040
for the birthday boy.

202
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,640
What?  Magic tricks?

203
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:31,960
You do magic?

204
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,600
Oh, yes, we've been teaching
ourselves

205
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,120
lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?

206
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,360
Look.

207
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,640
NERVY MUTTERINGS

208
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,160
What are you doing?

209
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,160
Magic with my magic hankie.

210
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,200
Does Martin enjoy magic?

211
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,080
Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.

212
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,040
Um, do come in, Jim.

213
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,480
Any card?  Any card, Martin.

214
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,400
Bleeding hell. Now what?

215
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,200
Look at the card.

216
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,360
And now tell me what the card is.

217
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,440
Really?  Um, the Four Of Clubs.

218
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,600
BREATHES HEAVILY

219
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:32,920
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?

220
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,720
What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!

221
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,400
Oh, yes. I can never do that one.

222
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,240
Well, thanks so much, Jim.

223
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:44,120
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?

224
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,280
Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.

225
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,240
How exciting!

226
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,240
Do carry on, Jim.  Yes, bravo!

227
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,400
Bravo!  Buggers.

228
00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,120
Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!

229
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:01,680
Maybe Jim will saw him in half.

230
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:05,520
CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.

231
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,320
Shall we just start dinner without
him?  Yes, please!  Definitely.

232
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,480
Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!

233
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,440



234
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,920
DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?

235
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,960
What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone.  Gone?

236
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,640
Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him?  Ah!

237
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:26,800
So that's how you get rid of Jim.

238
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,360
What did you pay him with?
I found 20 quid in your purse.

239
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,000
Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.

240
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,640
Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.

241
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,680
Boys?

242
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:40,280
Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!

243
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,280
Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.

244
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,040
Not this crap again.  Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner

245
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,520
with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?

246
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,640
I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead.  How kind.

247
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,600
Anyway, those two have nothing
to worry about.

248
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,720
They go on for years.
Please shut up.

249
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,920
Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes.

250
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,600
You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.

251
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:07,080
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?

252
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,040
Er...

253
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,960
2085.

254
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:15,480
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?

255
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,240
Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.

256
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,880
See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.

257
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,320
What do you think about that?

258
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,680
Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.

259
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:27,440
Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.

260
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,720
Jonny, you don't.  What?
Cos you die first.

261
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,640
Ah!  I die first?

262
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,240
But Adam's older than me!

263
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,720
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.

264
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,280
Of course! My running and exercise.

265
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,400
HE HEAVES

266
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,760
July 22nd, 2082.
That's when you die.

267
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,040
Oh, my God!  What?

268
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,480
Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin!  Ow!

269
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:51,440
July 22nd, 2082.
Don't tell me, Jonny!

270
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,480
Ow!

271
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,760
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?

272
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,560
That is fantastic.
I need a drink.

273
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,960
But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?

274
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,280
Mars, Mars, Mars.

275
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,440
Brilliant.  Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.

276
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,680
Thank you.  And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.

277
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:11,480
Pusface!

278
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,800
Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?

279
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,480
Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.

280
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,960
Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.

281
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,040
You're gonna start running now, are
you?  Yeah. Let's go for a run.

282
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,720
Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?

283
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,360
Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!

284
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,320
Where are you going?
Putting my shoes on.

285
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,080
Pissface?  Your mother!
What?

286
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,960
Oh.  Yeah.

287
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,800
Go on, then.

288
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,240
March 20th, 2085.

289
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,520
Great.

290
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,720
You're running now?  Now?

291
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,680
Yes!  You can't run now.
We've got beef.

292
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,560
Can you move out of the way,
please?  Jonny!

293
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,200
Yes, he has gone insane.

294
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,280
Right. Ready, Pusface?

295
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,600
Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.

296
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,600
Horrible Grandma.

297
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,120
Happy birthday, Martin.

298
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,000
Balls!

299
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,720
Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...

300
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,080
I wasn't banning you, Cynthia.

301
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,720
My only son.

302
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:30,000
I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?

303
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,840
Jackie.  That's because I didn't send
a card.

304
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,240
Fair enough.

305
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,000
Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.

306
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,480
Bleeding hell, Jackie.

307
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,040
Why would I give Martin a present?

308
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,680
His birthday, perhaps?

309
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,240
But he's not a baby.

310
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,640
Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...

311
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,680
Horrible...  ..Grandma.

312
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:53,240
I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.

313
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,360
Six.  Yes, six.

314
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:59,480
I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present

315
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:00,720
I'd given him when he was five.

316
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:01,800
SHE LAUGHS

317
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,680
Lovely.  A whistle.

318
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:04,640
Lovely.

319
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,080
Well, he wasn't to know, was he?

320
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,440
Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!

321
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,200
I'm looking forward to the beef.

322
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,920
Oh, are you, Cynthia?

323
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,440
Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.

324
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,960
Get rid of her?
How am I going to get rid of her?

325
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,680
Er, poison?

326
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,560
Garrotting?  Drowning in a bucket!

327
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,120
Any of those will do.  Idiots.

328
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,480
I really don't care
how you get rid of her, Martin.

329
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,360
You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.

330
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,920
Jackie, I don't have a spaceship!

331
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,120
Ju... OK.

332
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,160
Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...

333
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:40,880
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that...woman!

334
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,040
But, Jackie...  And instead of
looking up

335
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,280
when your wife and kids drop dead,

336
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,680
why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!

337
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,840
Er, yes, actually!

338
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,960
Who the hell do you think
I looked up first?!

339
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,840
And?  She lives to
a shitting hundred.

340
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,680
Of course she does.  What?!

341
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,560
OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,

342
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,800
you can have your dinner with her.

343
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,360
Huh?

344
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,440
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?

345
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,600
Oh, yes, Cynthia.

346
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:20,520
And?  Grim.

347
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,560
Really? How grim?

348
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,360
Prison grim.  Ooh, that is grim.

349
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,840
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...

350
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,800
To Dad's shitty birthday!

351
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,000
OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!

352
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,800
Uh...

353
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,240
Er, no, you're not allowed in here!

354
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,320
What? Please don't send me back in
there.

355
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,560
Martin, go and sit with your mother!

356
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,560
But, Jackie,
I can't take it in there any more.

357
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,000
Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.

358
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,000
What, that long?!

359
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,000
Oh, hello, Mum.

360
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,480
There's been a little accident.

361
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:48,840
It's all over them!

362
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:52,320
Yes, I don't know how it happened.

363
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,840
I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.

364
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,360
It's on the walls as well!

365
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,040
Yes, it is, isn't it?

366
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,280
And this wall?

367
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,360
You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?

368
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,600
I beg your pardon?  Oh, God.

369
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:08,440
You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.

370
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,000
Oh, do I, Jacqueline?

371
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,600
Yes, you bloody do!

372
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,160
Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.

373
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,800
Er...  This place is crap, is it?

374
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,560
Yes. Crap.

375
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,640
And the food.  Really?

376
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,520
I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".

377
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:27,800
Well, I was wrong.

378
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:28,840
It was inedible.

379
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,480
Sort of see that one coming.

380
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,040
And you know what else is crap?

381
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,400
No, do tell me.

382
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,000
Your family.

383
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,480
Your family is crap.

384
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,200
You'd better bloody say something
right now.

385
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,440
Er, Mum...

386
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:44,640
Have you finished your meal?

387
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,320
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!

388
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,600
Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -

389
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,800
you're part of this crap family!

390
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,400
And don't I bloody know it?!

391
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:57,280
With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!

392
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,320
WHISPERS: Crap hair?!

393
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,880
And those idiotic boys,

394
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,960
whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.

395
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,680
I'm Nicholas.  And I'm Lawrence.

396
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,880
And your son? Eh, Cynthia?

397
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,480
What about your son? Your only son?

398
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,520
Well, he used to be bearable,

399
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,280
but then he met you.

400
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,040
Right!

401
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,000
Martin?

402
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,400
I'm not taking this shit any more!

403
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,120
You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!

404
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,240
Hooray!

405
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,720
And a terrible human being!

406
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,160
Hoorah!

407
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,120
Oh, it's all coming out now!

408
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:41,120
Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.

409
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,040
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?

410
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,080
Yup! It's Horrible Grandma!

411
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,200
Cos you're the most horrible grandma
in the world.

412
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,520
JACKIE: Er, universe.
Multiverse.  Huh?

413
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,680
Well, cos scientists think there
could be

414
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,160
any number of universes out there.

415
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,160
Yeah, maybe later.

416
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,560
Well, since you all hate me so
much...

417
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:56,480
And we do.

418
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,600
You're going home and never coming
back?  No.

419
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:02,600
I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!

420
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,720
SHE GIGGLES

421
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,120
You're a pig!

422
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,280
Well, you would know!

423
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,720
DOOR SLAMS

424
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,720
Oh, my God.

425
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,640
What just happened?

426
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,960
More gin. More gin!

427
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,560
GLASS SMASHES

428
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:19,640
What the...?

429
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:21,800
Huh?

430
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,840
Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!

431
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,600
OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house

432
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,200
in two seconds...  I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!

433
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,160
Right, then, I'm getting out
of this bloody house!

434
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,120
Jackie...  Boys, we're going for a
run.

435
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,960
What?! Mum?

436
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,760
And, Martin?  Yes?

437
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,720
You're staying here and guarding
your lunatic of a mother.

438
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,640
Oh, shitting shit!

439
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,720
Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.

440
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:47,600
SHE GROWLS

441
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,200
CYNTHIA GIGGLES

442
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,040
Come on!  Best night ever?  Possible!

443
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,320
Hello, all!

444
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,560
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.

445
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,840
Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.

446
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,280
Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK?
Excuse me.

447
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,400
I must have it now, Jackie, I must!

448
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,200
It's my hankie.

449
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,880
Your hankie.

450
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,800
My magic hankie.

451
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,360
I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.

452
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,840
Please hurry up.  Please!

453
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,120
I can't believe you made her tea.

454
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,200
HE SPLUTTERS

455
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,400
It's delicious.

456
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,480
Oh, here it is! Silly me.

457
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,920
It was in my pocket the whole time.

458
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:23,960
HE SNORTS

459
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:24,840
What is it?

460
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,200
It's my magic hankie.

461
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,120
Well, bye, all!

462
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,000
MARTIN:  Er, goodbye, Jim.

463
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,360
Actually, Jim...

464
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,440
..how would you like to perform
some magic

465
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,080
for my wonderful mother-in-law?

466
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,760
Well, get on with it, you silly man!

467
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:55,000
Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...

468
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,600
..the ten of hearts?

469
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,320
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!

470
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,360
Oh.

471
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,080
Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim?

472
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,880
Yes, it's difficult, isn't it?

473
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:11,080
Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?

474
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,160
I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.

475
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,800
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?

476
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,160
Aw, how sweet.

477
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,400
Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman.

478
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,400
Perhaps I could borrow this towel?

479
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,280
The magic towel?

480
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,960
The magic towel.

481
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,360
And so...

482
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,800
..I say the magic word...

483
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,480
HE STUTTERS:  ..abadababadababada...

484
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,600
..and she's gone!

485
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,400
Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?

486
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,160
What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.

487
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,640
Right.

488
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,880
And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.

489
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,240
Please don't.

490
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,440
HE STUTTERS

491
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,600
Cynthia?

492
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,800
As I said,
with such a massive heart attack,

493
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,200
she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.

494
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,960
All just very quick and painless.

495
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,040
A good way to go.

496
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,200
Thanks, Doctor.  Thank you.

497
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,080
HE EXHALES
Wow.

498
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,520
Yeah.

499
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:28,240
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...

500
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,840
..with my magic.

501
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,080
Er, right, Jim.

502
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:34,520
In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.

503
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,640
Goodbye, Jim.  Come on, Milson.

504
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,600
Good girl.

505
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:43,000
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.

506
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,440
Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.

507
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:47,360
Er...  Goodbye, Jim.

508
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,840
Well, she definitely didn't last to
100.

509
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,720
Adam.

510
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,600
It's all just so strange.

511
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,800
What? Being murdered by magic?
Jonny!

512
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,880
And on my birthday, too.

513
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,160
Yeah, your birthday.

514
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:07,920
What a birthday.

515
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,360
HE SOBS

516
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,720
Oh, poor Dad.

517
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,320
Yeah.

518
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:17,960
I'm sorry, Dad.

519
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,760
HE CRIES

520
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,640
That's it, Martin.

521
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,160
Aw, let it all out.

522
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:29,920
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER

523
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,760
Er...  It's just nerves.

524
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,200
Is it nerves?

525
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,720
It's not nerves!

526
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,640
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

527
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,960

this place

528
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,600


529
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,320


530
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,760


531
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,880

this place

532
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:12,320

I'm still an animal...

533
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,360
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